People-pleasing behavior, some tips to stop it

People-pleasing behavior is a tendency to prioritize the needs, wants, and opinions of others over one’s own. It is often motivated by a desire to avoid conflict, win approval, or be liked by others. People-pleasing behavior can have both positive and negative consequences.

On the positive side, it may help you build and maintain relationships, improve communication, and create a sense of harmony in your interactions with others. On the negative side, it may lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and a lack of authenticity if you are not able to assert your own needs and preferences.

If you find that you are frequently engaging in people-pleasing behavior, then read on to know more about people-pleasing behavior and some tips to stop it.

How does people-pleasing behavior develop?

People-pleasing behavior can develop for a variety of reasons. Some common factors that may contribute to the development of this behavior include:

1. Early childhood experiences: People-pleasing behavior may be learned in childhood as a way to cope with difficult or unhealthy family dynamics, such as a lack of boundaries, criticism, or neglect.
2. Low self-esteem: People who struggle with low self-esteem may engage in people-pleasing behavior as a way to seek validation or approval from others.
3. Difficulty setting boundaries: Some people may struggle with setting boundaries and saying no, and may engage in people-pleasing behavior as a way to avoid confrontation or maintain relationships.
4. Fear of rejection: People-pleasing behavior may be motivated by a fear of rejection or a desire to fit in with a particular group or social circle.
5. Unhealthy relationships: People-pleasing behavior may be reinforced in unhealthy relationships where one person is overly controlling or dominant.

Remember, people-pleasing behavior is a learned behavior and it is possible to change. By understanding the underlying motivations for this behavior and developing healthy coping strategies, you can work towards a more authentic and fulfilling life.

How do I know I have a people-pleasing behavior?

Here are some signs that you may have a people-pleasing behavior:

• You frequently go out of your way to accommodate others’ needs or preferences, even at the expense of your own.
• You often find yourself saying yes to requests or invitations, even when you don’t really want to.
• You have difficulty setting boundaries or saying no to others.
• You feel anxious or guilty when you don’t please others.
• You find it difficult to express your own thoughts, feelings, or needs, and instead focus on trying to make others happy.
• You feel a sense of resentment or frustration when you are unable to please others or meet their expectations.
• You frequently feel overwhelmed or over-committed due to trying to please others.

Remember, it’s normal to want to make others happy and to be considerate of their needs. However, if you are constantly sacrificing your own needs and well-being in order to please others, it may be helpful to explore this behavior and find more healthy and effective ways to meet your own needs.

Does people-pleasing behavior hurt my relationships or marriage?

People-pleasing behavior can have both positive and negative consequences on relationships including marriage. On the positive side, it may help you build and maintain relationships, improve communication, and create a sense of harmony in your interactions with others. For example, if you are willing to compromise or make an effort to please your partner, it may help strengthen your bond and improve the overall health of the relationship.

However, people-pleasing behavior can also have negative consequences. If you are constantly putting the needs of others ahead of your own, it may lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and a lack of authenticity. It may also make it difficult for you to assert your own needs and preferences, leading to a sense of imbalance in the relationship.

In order to have healthy and fulfilling relationships, it’s important to find a balance between being considerate of others and taking care of your own needs. This may involve setting boundaries, learning to say no, and practicing assertiveness. It’s also important to have open and honest communication with your partner and to be able to express your own thoughts, feelings, and needs.

People-pleasing behavior in workplace and its effects

People-pleasing behavior in the workplace can have both positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, it may help you build and maintain relationships with colleagues, improve communication, and create a sense of harmony in the work environment.

However, people-pleasing behavior in the workplace can have a number of negative impacts on your career. Here are some potential consequences:

• Decreased job satisfaction: If you are constantly sacrificing your own needs and preferences in order to please others, you may feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied in your job. This can lead to decreased job satisfaction and a lack of motivation.
• Burnout: If you are always saying yes to additional tasks or projects, even when you are already stretched thin, you may become overwhelmed and unable to meet your commitments. This can lead to feelings of burnout and may negatively impact your performance and job satisfaction.
• Decreased productivity: People-pleasing behavior can be time-consuming and may distract you from your own work and priorities. This can lead to decreased productivity and may negatively impact your career advancement.
• Strained relationships: If you are constantly trying to please others, you may struggle to assert your own needs and preferences, which can lead to strained relationships with colleagues.

How does people-pleasing affect my health?

People-pleasing behavior can have a number of negative effects on your health. Here are some potential consequences:

• Increased stress: Constantly trying to please others can be stressful and may lead to feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, and burnout. Chronic stress can have negative impacts on your physical and mental health, including increasing your risk of heart disease, depression, and other health problems.
• Decreased self-esteem: People-pleasing behavior can undermine your sense of self-worth and lead to low self-esteem. This can affect your overall well-being and may make you more vulnerable to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.
• Poor physical health: Neglecting your own needs in order to please others can lead to a lack of self-care, which can negatively impact your physical health. For example, if you are always saying yes to requests, you may neglect your own physical needs such as sleep, exercise, and healthy eating.
• Difficulties in relationships: People-pleasing behavior can also affect your relationships, as it may lead to a lack of authenticity and a sense of imbalance. This can lead to strained or unhealthy relationships, which can further contribute to negative impacts on your well-being.

To know more about how people pleasing affects your health read this book by renowned and bestselling author Gabor Maté

How do I stop people-pleasing?

If you are looking to manage or stop people-pleasing behavior in your relationships and your workplace, here are some tips you can follow:

1. Identify the motivations behind your people-pleasing behavior: Are you trying to avoid conflict or criticism? Are you seeking approval or validation from others?

Understanding the motivations behind your people-pleasing behavior can be an important step in managing this tendency. Some common motivations for people-pleasing behavior include a desire to:

• Avoid conflict or criticism: You may be trying to avoid confrontation or negative feedback from others, and so you go out of your way to accommodate their needs or preferences.
• Seek approval or validation: You may be seeking validation from others and trying to win their approval by going along with their requests or trying to make them happy.
• Maintain relationships: You may be trying to preserve or strengthen relationships by being accommodating and pleasing to others.
• Create a sense of harmony: You may be motivated by a desire to create a sense of harmony and avoid tension in your relationships.
• Fit in: You may be trying to fit in with a particular group or social circle and so you go along with their expectations or behaviors.

 2. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important step in managing people-pleasing behavior and taking control of your own life. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others in terms of your time, energy, and personal space. Setting boundaries can help you protect your own needs and well-being, and can also improve communication and foster healthy relationships.

Here are some tips for setting boundaries:

• Identify your own needs and values: What are your non-negotiable values and priorities? What do you need in order to feel balanced and fulfilled? Understanding your own needs and values can help you set clear boundaries.
• Communicate your boundaries clearly: It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, but also with respect and kindness. You can use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs, rather than blaming or criticizing others.
• Be consistent: Once you have set a boundary, it’s important to stick to it. Consistency is key in reinforcing your boundaries and helping others understand and respect them.
• Be flexible: It’s okay to be flexible and adjust your boundaries as needed, but it’s important to do so in a way that still protects your own needs and well-being.
• Seek support: If you are struggling with setting boundaries, it can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement.

 3. Learn to say No

Saying no can be a challenging but important skill to develop, especially if you tend to engage in people-pleasing behavior. Saying no allows you to set limits on the demands placed on you and to prioritize your own needs and values. It can also help you build healthier, more authentic relationships.

Here are some tips for learning to say no:

• Identify your limits: Know your own limits and be clear with yourself about what you are and are not willing to do. This will make it easier to say no when necessary.
• Practice saying no: It can be helpful to practice saying no in a safe and low-stakes setting, such as with a friend or therapist. This can help you build confidence and get more comfortable with the idea of saying no.
• Use assertive language: Use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs, rather than blaming or criticizing others. For example, instead of saying “You’re asking too much of me,” try saying “I’m sorry, I can’t commit to that right now.”
• Offer an alternative: If you are unable to do something that someone is requesting, you can try offering an alternative solution. For example, “I’m sorry, I can’t attend that event, but I’d be happy to meet up with you at a different time.”

Remember that it’s okay to say no: It’s important to remember that it’s okay to say no and to prioritize your own needs and well-being. Saying no can be difficult, but it’s an important step in taking control of your own life and building healthier, more authentic relationships.

4. Practice assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express your own thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful and confident manner. It involves standing up for your own rights and beliefs, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. Practicing assertiveness can be an important step in managing people-pleasing behavior and building healthy, authentic relationships.

Here are some tips for practicing assertiveness:

• Use “I” statements: Use “I” statements to express your own thoughts and feelings, rather than blaming or criticizing others. For example, instead of saying “You always ignore my needs,” try saying “I feel hurt and neglected when my needs are not considered.”
• Communicate clearly and directly: Be clear and direct in expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Avoid passive language or beating around the bush.
• Be respectful: It’s important to be respectful of others’ feelings and rights, even as you assert your own. Use a calm and respectful tone, and avoid being aggressive or confrontational.
• Practice active listening: As you communicate with others, practice active listening by paying attention to what they are saying and showing that you are engaged and understanding. This can help create a more collaborative and respectful dialogue.
• Seek support: If you are struggling with assertiveness, it can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement.

Remember, assertiveness is an important skill to develop in order to build healthy, authentic relationships and take care of your own needs.

5. Practice mindfulness

Here are some tips for practicing mindfulness to manage people-pleasing behavior:

• Take a few deep breaths: When you start to feel overwhelmed or anxious about trying to please others, take a few deep breaths to help you focus on the present moment.
• Notice your thoughts and feelings: Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up when you are trying to please others. Are you feeling anxious or overwhelmed? Are you worried about what others will think? Notice these thoughts and feelings without judgment.
• Reflect on your values and priorities: Take a moment to reflect on what is most important to you. What do you value most in your relationships and your life? Use these values to guide your decisions and actions, rather than trying to please others all the time.
• Practice self-compassion: It’s important to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, especially when you are working on changing longstanding patterns of behavior. Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you are doing the best you can.

By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your own needs and desires and make choices that are authentic and true to yourself.

6. Seek support

Seeking support from friends, family, workplace colleagues or a therapist can be an important step in managing people-pleasing behavior and building healthy coping strategies. A trusted support system can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your feelings, express your needs, and develop healthy coping strategies. They can also provide encouragement and accountability as you work on setting boundaries and practicing assertiveness.

Here are some tips for seeking support:

• Identify trusted sources of support: Think about the people in your life who are supportive and nonjudgmental. These might include friends, family members, a therapist, or a support group.
• Communicate your needs: Be clear and direct in communicating your needs and what you are hoping to get out of the support. This will help the person you are seeking support from understand how they can best help you.
• Be open and honest: It can be scary to open up and be vulnerable, but being open and honest with your support system can help you feel more connected and supported.
• Practice self-care: In addition to seeking support from others, it’s important to practice self-care and take care of your own well-being. This might include activities like exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.

Remember, seeking support is an important step in managing people-pleasing behavior and building healthy coping strategies. It’s okay to ask for help and to prioritize your own well-being.

While wanting to follow these tips you might also have doubts and insecurities arising in your mind, read on and put your mind to rest.

Will I still be considered good if I stop people-pleasing?

It’s understandable to worry that you may be seen as less likable or less “good” if you stop people-pleasing behavior. However, it’s important to remember that being authentic and true to yourself is more important than trying to please others all the time. By setting boundaries and taking care of your own needs, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

It’s also important to remember that everyone has different needs and preferences, and what is important to one person may not be important to another. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and values, even if they differ from those of others.

Will I still be loved if I stop people-pleasing?

It’s understandable to worry that you may be loved less if you stop people-pleasing behavior. However, it’s important to remember that genuine love and affection do not depend on constantly pleasing others. By setting boundaries and taking care of your own needs, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

It’s also important to remember that true love involves respecting and valuing someone for who they are, rather than expecting them to constantly meet your needs or expectations. By being authentic and true to yourself, you can build more genuine and meaningful connections with others.

 

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what is most important to you and to take steps to live a fulfilling and authentic life. It is possible that some people may not understand or agree with your choices, but it’s important to focus on what is best for you and to be true to yourself. It is important to find a balance between being considerate of others and taking care of your own needs.

By learning to manage your people-pleasing behavior and ultimately stopping it, you can improve your physical and mental health and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. You can improve your work relationships, increase job satisfaction, and lead a more authentic and fulfilling career.

This New Year please stop people-pleasing for your own sake and for your loved ones!

Go on and have a Wonderful and Happy New Year 2023!